


Shwiya Root Soap

by sharkcar



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Anthropology, Childhood, Childhood Heroes, Dreams, Fairy Tales, Jedi, Jedi Culture, Jedi Temple, Jedi Training, Jedi Visions, Padawan, Republic Issue Soap, Republic Nutrition Rations, Secret Relationship, The Twilight (Star Wars), compassion - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 05:50:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6361945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharkcar/pseuds/sharkcar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ahsoka Tano thought that her apprenticeship would be her path to fame and excitement, but Master Yoda warns her about her pride. The beginning of her padawan training is harder than she expects, with all work and no appreciation. To make matters worse, she has trouble connecting with her famous master. As far as she has seen, he's always had it easy. When a fancy senator arrives from Coruscant, Ahsoka learns lessons about trust, respect, and how the truths we cling to depend greatly on your point of view.</p><p>Basically, how Ahsoka finds out about her master's indiscretion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shwiya Root Soap

**Author's Note:**

> The opening sequence includes a description of events from the Star Wars: The Clone Wars episode: Destroy Malevolence by Steven Melching.

“We have the senator and are headed back to the cruiser!” Obi-Wan’s voice said over the com, he sounded hurried. We could just make them out, just a speck breaking away from the Separatist ship, The Malevolence. I and everyone else on the bridge of our Jedi cruiser were happy to hear from Masters Anakin and Obi-Wan. It was always good to know that they were still in one piece after another one of their crazy suicide missions. But they weren’t out of the woods yet. 

A hail of laser fire erupted, no more than dots of light from our viewpoint. The lead ship seemed to buzz around like a winged insect, allowing the enemy droids no predictable trajectory to aim for. I got a little nauseous thinking about my master’s flying. All Jedi were trained to be pilots, we were not afraid of flying. But with Master Anakin, it was like he had plugged that mechanical hand of his into the ship and turned it into some kind of extension of himself. He made it look as easy as he did light saber combat, and just as fast. The trick flying was nothing new for Obi-Wan and Anakin, Anakin always flew crazily and Obi-Wan always complained. Still, I thought it was funny that some fancy Senator was riding along with them, probably wailing with fear. 

The ships closed the distance fast, flying towards our fleet. Master Plo Koon was standing with me on the bridge. He ordered all cruisers to fire on the damaged Malevolence, knowing that Anakin could stay ahead of the blasts. We could clearly see my master’s personal scrapheap, The Twilight, by the time it took a hit and began to spew smoke. Then, immediately, The Twilight began firing back at the small fighter and vulture droids in pursuit. Two vulture droids were picked off as the ships and droids raced towards our cruiser. 

I could feel everyone on the bridge grow tense. Suddenly, The Malevolence, lurched off course and crash landed in slow motion onto the surface of a nearby moon. It exploded in a blinding purple-white flash and my eyes and mouth hung open in shock. The ship’s crew erupted in applause as Admiral Yularen nodded sagely. Master Plo stood looking impassive, but internally I could sense he was thrilled. I found myself grinning, too, tense with excitement, my fists clenched. It was everything I could do not to jump for joy. But as a Jedi, I couldn’t let myself be so immature. Instead, I looked up at Master Plo and smiled. It was hard to tell when Master Plo was smiling, with the mask and all, but he nodded at me and creases formed around his eye covers. The ship pursuing Anakin retreated into hyperspace leaving the last vulture droids confused. They were quickly blown to pieces by The Twilight’s guns. 

My Jedi Master hailed us, “We’ll be docking shortly, Admiral.” A new wave of cheers sprang up. I couldn’t help myself, I ran to the lift to get to the docking bay to see them return.  
No matter what Master Anakin did, he was always sure of himself. His plans always seemed to work out, no matter how crazy or reckless. Traits like his recklessness made him unlike any Jedi I had ever known, but his success meant that everyone tolerated it from him. Every time he did something like this, we couldn’t help but be thrilled by how he represented us; the Jedi, the military, and the Republic. This meant his sense of entitlement was enormous. I knew what an egomaniac Anakin was and yet he was still my hero. 

My new life still seemed surreal. Only a few months before, I had been sent from the Jedi Temple on safe, predictable, dull Coruscant to the bloodiest battlefront of a galaxy wide war at fourteen. I should have been terrified, but I was exhilarated. Anakin and Obi-Wan’s courage was inspiring. I still couldn’t believe how lucky I was to be Anakin’s padawan. Yet, some part of me was still unhappy. I had gotten my wish for a life of excitement, but was finding out that it was more work than I expected. And no matter how well I did or how much I impressed myself with what I could achieve, my master managed not to notice. Being noticed was something I wasn’t very good at.  
__  
I had been at the Jedi Temple for as long as I could remember. When Force sensitive children were identified, they were collected by the Jedi when they were too small to remember much of their previous lives. I came to Coruscant with one small backpack and my name as the only remnants of who I had been. This was not considered cruel. It was an honor to become a Jedi. Force sensitive children had the potential, with Jedi training, to benefit the whole galaxy by being a part of the Jedi Order and its mission of peace. 

My childhood development was supervised by Master Yoda, as it was for most of us. Yoda was the first Jedi who taught me how to reach out to the Force, to let it control my actions, obey my commands, and to make connections to other living things. He had a gentle and honest manner, so we younglings had an easy time trusting him with our whole hearts. Even after I grew up and left his tutelage, I would still come to visit Master Yoda often. I especially liked to help with the younglings. I was good with children. Master Yoda said it was because of my kindness. 

After our early training, some younglings from my age group had an easier time honing their skills. Some of us struggled. I and some of my fellow younglings passed the initiate trials, but I was unremarkable for my class, not the worst, not the best. My fighting skills were good and I was able to develop them because I was fearless. I was smart, but lacked the confidence to show it. I was unsure of myself and so I was hesitant in my use of the Force. Master Yoda told me that if I didn’t believe in myself, I was always going to hesitate and would never be able to use my full power. I worked harder. But despite that, I did not have the easy time that others did. All the glory seemed to go to the younglings who were the cockiest, not the kindest. 

Normally, Jedi Masters chose their padawans from the temple, sometimes after watching demonstrations, like initiate trials or competitions. Sometimes they would personally connect with a student and decide to take them on. Other times, masters requested padawans and could have the selection made by the Jedi Council. I had reason to be concerned. I was getting too old to still be at initiate level and I didn’t seem to be going anywhere. My friends were moving on, one by one and it was getting harder and harder to feel happy for them. 

I finally asked Master Yoda for advice. 

“Fewer Jedi there are, willing to take on a padawan, I’m afraid,’ he explained, “This war, already distracting us from our usual missions it is. Missions like training the young. Arrogance is a trait shared by more and more Jedi, even the older ones. True it seems, every master, a star pupil do they want to train.” 

“I would be a good padawan, Master Yoda, I work twice as hard as the other initiates,” I pleaded.

“Something to prove, you have. Be mindful of your pride. Attention and praise, a Jedi needs not. Judge others, you must not. For only through compassion can we know others through the Force.” 

“But no one seems to even know that I’m here!” I whined, “I just wish someone would notice me. At this rate, I’ll never be chosen as a padawan.”

“Patience you lack. Older than you are many padawans chosen,” Yoda paced a few steps towards me.

“Doesn’t seem like it,” I said dubiously. 

Yoda scratched his chin with one clawed hand. Finally, he looked up, “A solution for you, I may have. But possible it is that you will regret your wishes. Noticed by many, you may yet be. A chance for recognition, you seek. But new burdens you may find as well. More attention leads to more scrutiny. Scrutiny can be a blow to pride.” He had that right.  
\--  
“Anakin Skywalker?!? Are you joking?” Adnee’s whisper was as loud as a shout. 

“Shhhhhhhh!” I waved my hands at her.

“But, is this a joke? Anakin Skywalker? I’ve seen him in person and even I have trouble believing he was real. Did you see him on the Holonet news last week from Christophsis? He was ordered to run relief supplies to the planet, so he just decided to take out a Separatist flagship on the way down!” Adnee went on and on about the story until I shushed her again. 

“Seriously, Ahsoka, how did Anakin Skywalker pick you to be his padawan? You’ve never even won a competition.” Shara sounded jealous. Adnee, Shara, and I were all roommates in the older youngling rooms at the temple and I had run into them when I headed for the room to start packing.  
“Is he looking for a challenge or something?”

“Well, he didn’t pick me himself. The Council picked me for him,” I said, acting sure of myself, but suddenly feeling insecure.

“Was this some kind of punishment to him for defying the Jedi Council or like a trial of patience or something?” Adnee was only half joking. They clearly doubted my abilities.  
I clenched a fist. Why did everyone have this idea that I was so mediocre, I wondered. “Master Yoda said that we would be helping each other learn things,” I said importantly. He actually told me that Anakin needed to learn about letting go. I didn’t really know what Yoda meant. I joked that my whole purpose in life might be to go off and die just to teach Mr. Wonderful about loss, a measly destiny for an unexceptional padawan. Master Yoda didn’t think it was funny. He told me that self-deprecation was not the same as humility.  
I didn’t see how I would learn anything about humility by becoming the padawan to the biggest headed Jedi in the galaxy. But I was secretly thrilled at the news. I wasn’t just going to get the respect I deserved, I was going to be famous, too.  
\--  
I flew out of Coruscant that night aboard a military cargo vessel. I trained every minute aboard that ship until my reflexes were as sharp as needles. I was feeling pretty impressed with myself, like a hardened warrior. I had never been so confident in my life. Then I arrived on Christophsis right in the middle of a decisive battle and helped to win the day. I couldn’t help but be cocky, I had made it. 

But with my arrival came the first blow to my self-esteem. Anakin didn’t want me. I thought that he had asked the Jedi Council to send him a padawan, not that I was forced on him. I imagined I could hear Adnee and Shara laughing at me for getting sent home. I didn’t do a very good job of hiding my anger that day, directing most of it at Master Skywalker. I still acted sure of myself, but it was a cover for my insecurity. Then, when all was said and done and I positively couldn’t stand him, Anakin told Master Yoda that he would take me as a padawan after all. What else could I be but grateful? 

Crazy adventures had followed, battles, chases, light saber duels. We stole The Twilight, we crash landed it, and before I knew it, I was fighting for my life against a group of Magnaguards on Tatooine. I have to admit, there were times that I was scared, but I never acted out of fear. I was in control of my emotions. I felt I would get congratulated on living up to my potential. I just knew that Master and I were going to be a great team.

As luck would have it, the mission was on Anakin’s home planet. I thought that I would get to know something about him that no one else did. I wasn’t expecting a guided tour, but something. Everyone at the Temple knew that Anakin was from Tatooine, but almost no one in the galaxy had ever been there. All we knew was that it was remote, it was harsh, and it was dangerous. When I tried to get Anakin to tell me about it, he made it completely clear that it wasn’t going to happen. After we completed the mission, bringing Jabba the Hutt’s son to him, I had hoped that we could go to see one of the spaceports. But quick as could be, he told me they were no place for a youngling and called for a clone escort to bring me back to the fleet. As my escort and I were leaving, I caught a glimpse of Anakin in Jabba’s hangar supervising the salvage and repair of The Twilight. He was barking orders at the Jawas and mechanics in what sounded like Huttese. I realized I didn’t know him at all. 

It almost would have been easier if he was a jerk. But despite his reputation, Anakin was proving to be an amazing teacher, patient and wise. I had never seen anyone equal his skills and his focus. He took being a Jedi and a general very seriously. He was also brilliant at military tactics. He was an amazing pilot, despite the nausea his flying caused. I had tried to keep my cool, yet at the beginning, I was practically always smiling to myself about how lucky I was. I admit it, I had a bit of a crush. Nothing romantic, we were Jedi. Romantic crushes were for silly girls. Anyway, I knew he thought of me as a kid. It was more like, I wanted us to become friends the way he and Obi-Wan were. 

Although there were times where Anakin and I spoke to each other seriously, these were always in the context of lessons. A lot of the time, we just fought. Neither of us seemed able to discuss something without it turning into an argument. He allowed me to question him, the way a padawan should. But I didn’t feel us growing closer the way a padawan and Master must. He wouldn’t trust me. He had a very hard shell that was something I had never encountered in a Jedi. Parts of his mind were closed tight to everyone.

Without a connection through the Force, Anakin and I did not understand each other. I grew frustrated about it and it came out as disrespect. How was I supposed to have respect when none was given to me, I wondered. And who was Anakin to tell me about respect? I didn’t think he had ever been forced to be humble in his life. Although Obi-Wan had a reputation for being respectful to the point of distraction, Anakin had always been the Jedi’s golden boy.  
__  
As far back as I could remember at the Jedi Temple, a place that was supposed to be dedicated to humility, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker were famous. Obi-Wan had killed a real Sith Lord when he was still a padawan. This was when I was a new youngling at the Temple. All of the younglings had read his file in the Jedi archives. Under his trials, the file actually says, “Defeated a Sith Lord in combat,” no joke. We small younglings used to make up stories about Siths to scare each other. Every story would end the same way, Obi-Wan Kenobi would jump in to defeat the Sith and save the day. The young Jedi were in awe of Master Kenobi and we were all jealous of his padawan. 

Rumor was that Obi Wan’s padawan was somehow special, but that was never mentioned above a whisper. The few times I had seen Anakin Skywalker at the temple, he didn’t even act like a kid. He was only six years older than me, but he always seemed to be as serious as the adults. I actually think he only spoke to adults. Anakin spoke to Masters and even Council Members who few padawans would dare address. 

It would be easy to dislike someone who acted so self-important, but the problem was, he lived up to his reputation. He grew up tall and handsome. He was brilliant at practically every Jedi art. Every temple droid had a story about a time that Anakin had fixed them. His light saber demonstrations were attended by nearly everyone at the temple. At every demonstration, Anakin was accompanied by his brilliant master, Obi-Wan, beaming with pride as he received the congratulations and compliments of the crowd. 

Even people outside the Jedi Order knew who Anakin was. Once, when Anakin was competing in a competition as a kid, the Supreme Chancellor of the Senate came and watched. I heard that the Chancellor was so proud when Anakin won that he personally congratulated the Jedi Council on him. 

When the war began, Obi-Wan and Anakin became the poster boys for the war effort practically from the first engagement on Geonosis. They were the brave Jedi who had taken on Count Dooku, the detective who had uncovered the plot by the Separatists and the brave padawan who had lost his arm in service of the Republic! The Supreme Chancellor himself paid for a new arm to be crafted for Anakin in gold, or at least that was the story. 

Even before the Clone Wars, Obi-Wan and Anakin had received seemingly endless peacekeeping assignments, most of them very dangerous. Then they had remained unusually close after Anakin finished his training. The war had elevated them both to the rank of general and they worked so well together that they were often assigned to serve side by side. They always seemed to be jumping in to save the day, without hesitation. They could work instinctually together, since they knew each other well and they had a deep connection through the Force. I was unused to seeing such close friends, since the Jedi discourage personal attachment. 

Once I met Masters Kenobi and Skywalker, I found my childhood jealousy of Anakin returning at times. Where he and Obi-Wan were the best of friends, Master Anakin treated me like an annoying kid. I tried to imitate him in everything but I couldn’t seem to escape his criticism. I knew he hadn’t asked to train me, so whenever he was critical of me it stung. Our failure to make a connection just made it worse.  
__  
Yet despite there I was, unable to help myself, waiting excitedly in the docking bay for the heroes’ return. 

Master Plo came from the lift and stood beside me hands folded behind his back. Plo Koon was the Jedi who brought me to the Temple from my home world. He had been a mentor to me over the years, always having time to stop and ask about my progress whenever we saw each other. I had been bending his ear coils since he had come aboard, telling him all about the skills I had acquired and all the action I had seen since leaving the temple. Although Master Plo rarely registered excitement, he had told me “well done” a few times. I lapped up all the attention I could get. 

The Twilight landed and the ramp lowered below. I watched Obi-Wan descend and head towards me. A flashy looking gold plated protocol droid followed. This thing belonged to someone filthy rich, I thought as I rolled my eyes, this was a military ship, not a high class hotel. I hoped that this senator was not going to expect white tablecloths and jeweled goblets. I looked forward to seeing Anakin make jokes about her the way he did about Obi-Wan when he was acting too ‘civilized’. 

Then I saw Anakin, walking side by side with the woman I recognized from her hologram. She was small, much shorter than Master. Her clothes were not fancy, but were obviously expensive, and to judge from her droid, she could be ostentatious. Her skin was clear and her features fine. She had large dark eyes and dark hair wound into an elaborate beaded hairstyle. She walked like royalty. I felt a twinge of jealousy when I saw Anakin escorting her like a gentleman while his droid Artoo followed her off the ship like a devoted pet.  
When they reached us, Anakin waved his arm at Master Plo, “Senator, you already know Master Plo Koon of the Jedi Council.”

Master Plo bowed slightly and took her hand, “It is a pleasure to see you again, your highness, we met after the liberation of Theed.” 

“Kontuya, tchin se,” she said in perfect Dornish, “Master Koon, it is good to see you. But no need for the formality, I’m just a senator now.” She smiled widely with a row of perfect teeth. 

“One would be doing you a great disservice to suggest that you were ‘just’ anything,” Master Plo was practically fawning. It was a strange thing to see. 

“Senator Amidala, please allow me to introduce my padawan, Ahsoka Tano,” Anakin stretched out his hand with a formal flourish. I had never seen him act so politely or seem so nervous. 

“Hello, it’s good to finally meet you,” she reached out her hand and I shook it. Her gloves were the softest leather I’d ever touched. “Anakin tells me such wonderful things about you.” 

When did he ever do that, I wondered. Actually, when did he ever have time to tell her anything? Anakin and I hadn’t been back to Coruscant since we’d met. 

“The senator is one of our oldest friends,” Obi-Wan smiled at her. “Although she has a habit of getting herself into trouble. Case in point, today. We really must stop meeting only when your life is in danger,” he joked to her. 

She flashed the winning smile again. Suddenly I was really envious. Everyone was falling all over themselves, as much as Jedi could, for this silly senator with the gold plated droid. She was poised and gracious as you’d expect someone to be if they had a lifetime of diplomatic training. I bet she wore silly outfits, Naboo politicians were known for their crazy fashions. 

“Well, we must go and submit a report to the Senate about this engagement. They’ll want to know as soon as possible that The Malevolent has been destroyed. I’ll see you all at dinner,” Obi-Wan said. We all waved goodbye as he and Master Plo headed back to the bridge. 

“You have my gratitude again, Master Jedi,” Senator Amidala smiled sweetly up at Anakin. She was practically flirting with him. Didn’t she know about the Jedi Code, I wondered. Oh yeah, I thought, they were old friends. She had to know. Did she care? 

She turned to me, but kept looking at Master. “I was surprised to hear that Anakin had a padawan. I never imagined him as much of a teacher.”  
Who did she think she was, talking about Master that way? I internally seethed. 

“Well, the Council thought Ahsoka needed a master with exceptional patience,” he joked back never taking his eyes off her. 

“And how would they know you were patient?” she grinned. 

“They must have heard I’m friends with you,” he smirked. 

They chuckled quietly. I felt invisible. 

Eventually he looked back at me. “Padme will be staying for a while to wait for a new ship to take her back to Coruscant. Would you be so kind as to set her up with some quarters?” Anakin asked.

“Of course, Master,” I was kind of aggravated at being given such a silly assignment. In front of her, I wanted him to give me some tough and important sounding military orders to show how serious I was about work. Any protocol droid on the cruiser could get her a room. But I didn’t want to say anything snippy in front of the Senator. I could sense Anakin wouldn’t take it so well.

Anakin and Padme turned to face one another, “I’ve got to get this rust bucket back into shape,” he gestured at The Twilight, “When you get settled in a room, send me the room number and I’ll coordinate the security detail.” 

“Alright,” she smiled at him with affection in her eyes. 

He put his hand on one of her shoulders. “I’m so glad you’re safe. You had me worried there for a bit.” Anakin turned and Artoo followed him towards his rust bucket. “Nice shooting, by the way,” he called over his shoulder. 

I was surprised. The senator had been shooting those vulture droids in the pursuit? My image of her fussing and fainting during the chase was blown. 

Senator Amidala watched him for a second and then turned to address me, “Ahsoka.”

“I have to apologize in advance for the accommodations. Clones are raised since birth to live in cramped spaces and Jedi are used to living modestly. The rooms here are pretty Spartan,” I explained as we and the golden droid walked to the lifts. 

“I’ve been on Jedi cruisers before. I’ll be fine,” she assured me. “I’m just ready for some rest and a hot shower.” She seemed young, but she was brimming with confidence and experience. I supposed that I had led a sheltered life in the temple, I didn’t have much experience in life and whenever I tried to be confident, I was told to learn humility. 

“I say, the Republic issue soap that they have aboard these Jedi cruisers is rather harsh. I will not allow my Mistress to develop a rash. Might we request something else,” the droid asked me. I could somehow picture him shrieking his way through the vulture droid chase. 

But I knew what he meant. Many of us traveled with our own kits aboard ship. The war had caused the quality of Republic issue supplies to go down, I’d heard. The soap was pretty bad. It had become a running joke among the clones. “Of course,” I said, “I have some shwiya root soap in my room, we can go get it.”

“It’s really fine, Ahsoka.”

“No, it’s no trouble.”

“Well, thank you, then. I will try it.” She was so polite and elegant. I felt like a scrappy kid standing next to her in the lift. Silence passed between us for a bit. I scratched my arm. 

“Here we are, living quarters,” I said as the doors opened. 

I walked her to my room, but I went in to get the soap while she waited outside. I didn’t want her to see how messy I’d left the place. I had been too tired to call the cleaning droid the night before and had just fallen into bed. Master had insisted on an eight hour lightsaber practice during our down time chasing The Malevolence. He never seemed to want to train me in anything relaxing like meditation.

I came out and handed the senator the bottle of liquid soap. “Thank you,” she said and we began to walk to her quarters, “It looks lovely. Does it come from Shili?”

She had correctly guessed my home world. She had probably been there, I thought, politicians traveled a lot. “Um, no. You can get it at any discount store in Coruscant. I just like the smell.” I looked down and shifted my feet slightly. 

“Oh, of course, how stupid of me. I was just thinking of my time away from home with the Legislative Youth. My parents used to send me things from home. There is a big difference between Jedi training and going away to school. Forgive me,” she put a hand on her chest. I could sense something like nervousness from her for the first time.  
The awkward moment passed, “You can keep it, there is enough left in the bottle to last at least until your shuttle comes. I have more.”

“So how do you like being a padawan?” she asked as we started to walk to her room.

“It hasn’t been easy,” I admitted, “Master doesn’t leave a lot of time for rest.” 

“I bet he’s proud of how hard you work,” she said.

“Well, sometimes he can be overly critical…” I trailed off because I thought I might be getting myself into trouble. 

She smiled, “That sounds a lot like what Anakin used to say about Obi-Wan.”

“Really?” I was shocked. I had thought of them as a perfect padawan and master, “They are closer than most Jedi I’ve seen. You knew them when they were master and student?”

“I’ve known them since before they met,” she smiled at first, but it faded, “Master Qui Gon’s death was very hard on both of them. I think that’s why they needed each other.”  
Masters and padawans were usually approved by the Council because they were compatible, because they had something to teach each other. I had never heard of a master taking a padawan because he needed someone or thought they needed him. That seemed like attachment to me. I figured that the senator could be wrong, she was from a different world than we were, she didn’t know Jedi ways. She was talking about them as if they were regular people, not Jedi. Still, I wondered if I was supposed to teach Anakin to let go because Master Obi-Wan had never been able to. Although, why the Jedi Council had allowed Obi-Wan and Anakin to form such an attachment, I might never know. 

“Here you are, Senator,” I pressed the panel and the door slid open. Only a bed, some cabinets, and a small bathroom were inside. 

“Thank you Ahsoka. I will shut down Threepio and retire for a while. I’ll see you at dinner?” she walked into her door with Threepio. 

“I’ll see you there.” I said as the door shut. I started walking back to my room. There wasn’t much to do, since we were awaiting new orders after the council briefing. I decided to go down to the docking bay and help out on the repairs for The Twilight. I had helped Anakin steal it, so I felt like that gave me at least the rank of co-pilot for that scrapheap. The Twilight was a total piece of junk, but Anakin loved it. His tendency to attachment extended to things like droids and ships.

When I arrived in the hangar, I found a droid and a ship, but no Anakin. 

Artoo was doing some welding on the area where the ship had been hit.

“Artoo, I’m here to help get this hunk of junk in shape. Where did Anakin go?” 

Artoo chirped several times in a row.

“Alright, alright, I’ll help. I guess I had better get started without him if the ship needs that much work.”  
\--  
I didn’t see Anakin again until he turned up at dinner. He was freshly bathed and dressed, which was a first for him at officers mess with Admiral Yularen. Usually, he would arrive from the hangar, covered in grease from repairing ships, or sweating from lightsaber practice. Our guest’s presence must be the reason, I thought. Obi-Wan and Master Plo were also looking more polished than usual. Senator Amidala didn’t have anything else with her, so she was wearing the same clothes. But she was clean and her hair was newly arranged. She and I walked in together and I could smell my soap in her braid. As the guest, the senator was seated near the head of the table with the admiral. I was at the end across from Master Plo. Watching him eat was strange with the mask and all.

Master Anakin came in and sat down next to me while Admiral Yularen was telling a story about his time as a commander for the Republic transport fleet. When the Republic navy had been formed, he had been drafted to command fleets of warships. It was a really boring story. From her face, I could tell that Senator Amidala thought so too. She glanced at me with raised eyebrows. 

I leaned over and whispered to Master, “Where were you? I was working on The Twilight for hours, I thought you were going to help.”

“Sorry, I had to coordinate security details,” he whispered back, putting his napkin on his lap like Obi-Wan always did. I don’t know that I’d ever seen Anakin use a napkin before. 

Sitting next to Master, at first I thought that my shwiya root soap must be pretty pungent on the senator because I could still smell it. I surreptitiously sniffed my clothes to see if it was me. Then, it slowly dawned on me that the scent was coming from Master. In my shock, at first I thought was that I would have to tell him to stay out of my things. Then I remembered who had the same soap as me. The significance hit me like a sudden and painful blow to the head. I found my ears and the tips of my montrals growing very hot. I looked down at my plate as the party droned on in conversation, but I was barely hearing it. 

By the time I tuned back in, Admiral Yularen was still speaking, “Well, yes, that was what Senator Organa said when we made it down to the planet. So you have known the generals since the Federation Invasion, tell me, was Master Skywalker always so reckless?” 

“I will not tell tales on the Jedi, but you have no idea,” she smiled at Anakin.

“I seem to remember a certain senator doing some things that were rather rash as well,” Master Kenobi raised his glass.

Master Anakin raised an eyebrow and looked at the senator. She looked back and smiled. Then she quickly caught herself and looked down at her plate. No one else seemed to catch it. Why weren’t they seeing it, I wondered.

I was still in disbelief. Jedi were not allowed to have romantic relationships. To pursue a relationship, you would have to get permission to leave the Order, something that was not always granted. To even initiate a relationship would have meant defying the code. We had pledged our allegiance to the Jedi Order, therefore our will was not our own. We were taught that personal relationships led to jealousy, which was dangerous. Jealousy was a path to the Dark Side. 

Obi Wan soon began discussing the finer points of military history with the admiral while Anakin and Master Plo were talking about some pod race on Malastare. Senator Amidala was stuck in the middle and stifling sighs.

I grew quiet as I pushed food around my plate. 

I thought, "I bet that the senator is some bored, spoiled, little rich girl. For her, having a Jedi boyfriend is probably fun. I’ll bet she goes around bragging about it to her rich friends. Doesn’t she know how disrespectful this is to the Jedi Order? Master Yoda would never have sent me here if he’d known about this. Anakin’s problems with attachment are deeper than anyone knows. Why doesn’t he ever have to play by the rules? He thinks he’s so special. Anakin is a fraud! This supposedly perfect Jedi is violating one of the defining principles of the Jedi way of life. How can I ever trust Anakin when he’s a liar? Maybe I don’t want to be his padawan anymore. He doesn’t deserve me. But what would everyone think? I’d look like a washout. The only way to defend my motivations would be to expose them." 

I suddenly felt a cold sliver of ice in my heart. This was the only way, I told myself, and they deserved it. I resolved to tell someone what I knew.  
\--  
After dinner I left as quickly as I could. Obi Wan had moved on to something called the “Treaty of Yavin 4,” which was boring even the admiral. Everyone was listening politely, but obviously wishing they were somewhere else. I slipped out and stood on the walkway looking over a railing for a while. 

I was surprised that Master Obi-Wan came out of the officers’ mess first. He seemed pleased with himself. I wondered if boring conversation was a method he used to get himself out of social functions, since everyone would encourage him to go. “Hello, Ahsoka. Not feeling well? I agree, the rehydrated meat was left in the steamer too long. Those galley droids need to be reprogrammed.” 

Maybe Master Obi Wan would train me, I hoped. I could have him all to myself when Anakin was expelled from the order. The icy splinter in my heart stung for a moment.

“Master Obi-Wan,” I asked, trying to think of how to bring up the subject, “Master Anakin and the Senator are pretty close, huh?”

“Yes, you know, if he hadn’t joined the Jedi Order, she wanted to take him in.”

“I didn’t know that,” I thought for a minute that I might have been confused, “Was he very young when they met?” 

“Nine, I believe,” he looked thoughtful, “She a bit older but very mature.” 

It was hard to picture Master Skywalker as a kid. But once I did, I felt strange. The ice in my heart melted as I pictured the younglings that age from the temple. They were always so appreciative when an older Jedi would speak to them kindly, so open hearted. 

“We only met her again last year, right before the war started. She’s been a great ally to the Jedi, we trust her.” 

“You do?” I asked, tentatively. I was starting to think that Obi-Wan and the other Jedi wouldn’t want to know what I had discovered. “Is that…normal…for a Jedi to have…close friends?” I asked. 

“I suppose not, but then again, not many of Anakin’s experiences would qualify as ‘normal’. He harbored a bit of an infatuation with the Senator when he was younger. But it was harmless. I believe she will always think of him as a child.” I had seen how the Senator looked at Anakin. Master Obi-Wan was wrong. 

Still, his words helped me to feel compassion for Anakin for the first time. Although I was disappointed in him, I could understand why Anakin would be infatuated with the senator. Not only was she rich, and cultured, and beautiful, but she had been kind to him when he was young. She had offered to take him in. She was like family to him. But unlike his family, she was someone he could actually see, if only occasionally. 

But if he couldn’t help himself, shouldn’t she have stopped it, I wondered. The girl Obi-Wan was describing sounded like someone who cared. Still, she could have anyone she wanted, why would she take such a terrible risk? As a Jedi, I really didn’t know many people who could answer a question like that. Certainly not Obi-Wan.

I changed the subject, “Master Kenobi, Master Yoda says that I need to work on being more humble. How can I find peace in humility when all everyone does is point out my faults until I feel like I can’t do anything right. Do you think anyone will ever notice how hard I’m trying?” 

“Try doing things without hoping for recognition. The people who need us most are often the ones who can’t see what we do for them or who won’t ever be able to thank us. Helping others without recognition for it is something a Jedi should strive for.” Obi-Wan passionately believed in the principles of the order. He was a great teacher.

“Shouldn’t I take pride in my hard work and progress? Isn’t that how you gain confidence?” I asked him.

“It is not wrong to be sure of yourself, but you should find confidence through peace not pride.” 

“Have you ever struggled with your motivations, Master, ever wondered whether you were doing things for the wrong reasons?” I asked.

“Years ago, Master Yoda warned me that I was too motivated by my pride. This flaw has certainly been lessened with a little experience. I have found that nothing cures pride better than making mistakes.”

“You, Master Obi-Wan? I thought you were perfect.”

“Not hardly,” he smiled, “Since he said that, I have always done the best I could to acknowledge my pride and try not to let it prevent me from doing what was right. I also do my best to let go when my pride takes a blow, for example when my decisions are proven wrong. Taking responsibility is harder, and more important, than taking credit. Responsibility will make you humble.”

“I don’t know how I can ever be responsible when Master never seems to trust me with anything,” I grumbled. 

“Give it time, Ahsoka, and he will,” Master Kenobi said reassuringly. 

“Well, Master Yoda did say that my patience could use work as well,” I grinned shyly. 

He smiled back, “Goodnight, Ahsoka.” He went to his own room door and pressed the panel. 

“Goodnight, Master Obi-Wan.”  
\--  
That night, I didn’t sleep well. I was still confused about what I should do. I couldn’t expose Anakin, since my anger gave way to compassion. I considered telling Anakin that I knew. I thought that a warning might help him to see the error of his ways. Plus, he would owe me one and we could grow closer. But I just couldn’t see how making him feel guilty would help him to make better decisions. It might just have made him hate me, not trust me. I considered telling Senator Amidala that I knew and that she should stay away. But when I rehearsed in my mind what I wanted to say, it always sounded like I was jealous. 

Finally, I got up and headed to the galley. Whenever I couldn’t sleep, a snack helped. I ran into that ridiculous protocol droid in the hall. 

“What are you doing here,” I crossed my arms.

“I was looking for Mistress Padme, she’s left her quarters again, I fear. I keep telling her she needs to sleep for her health, but she never listens,” he fretted.

I followed him to the galley and was surprised to find the senator sitting alone with a data pad and a cup of caf. She looked up and raised her eyebrows when we came in.  
“Mistress Padme, I really must insist that you get some rest!” the droid fussed. 

“I’m fine, Threepio. I just can’t. I haven’t adjusted to the time differences. Anyway, I need to file a report on this engagement for the Chancellor. Why don’t you go back to the room and shut down, I’ll come and find you if I need anything,” she suggested.

“If you insist, I believe I will, this day has been most distressing! I simply don’t know how we keep ending up in these situations,” he emoted. He turned and walked towards the living quarters complaining all the way. 

She shook her head slightly as she saw him go.

“Yeesh, I thought protocol droids were supposed to be helpful. How did you get stuck with that one?” I watched him go through the door. 

“He was a ‘gift’ from Anakin,” she laughed, “I know Threepio acts more like a nanny than a protocol droid, but it is nice to have company. Most of my social life consists of official functions and negotiations. Sometimes it’s nice to have someone taking care of me.”

“Mind if I join you?” I asked the senator.

“Not at all, please,” she waved a hand at the seat opposite her. 

“Hard work being a senator, huh?” I sat down. Then I decided that I felt weird without having something in front of me. So I got up and went to get a cup of tea from the machine before she could answer. I grabbed a stack of biscuits from the bin beside the machine. I was nervous, but the senator still seemed calm when I sat back down. 

“Not as hard as being a Jedi padawan, I’m sure,” she folded her hands and looked right at me. 

“It can be hard sometimes,” I agreed, chomping into a biscuit. 

“I’m sorry about before, when I asked about Shili. I didn’t mean to presume. Have you traveled much?” 

“It’s alright,” I said slowly, I actually couldn’t remember the last time anyone had asked me this much about myself, “Most of our youngling training is on Coruscant, we don’t really travel until we reach padawan status. Then we might go off world for missions. Or, now that there is a war, we go to war,” I started on a new biscuit.

“That seems like an awful lot of responsibility for someone so young. Something I can relate to, I’m afraid. You’re very brave. The first time I’d ever seen war, although I did my best to hide it, I was very frightened.”

“How old were you?” I asked.

“Fourteen,” she took a sip from her caf. 

“That’s how old I am,” I told her, trying to look the opposite of frightened, “Have you ever been to Shili?”

“Once, a long time ago for a diplomatic tour. How did you get your Akul headdress?” I was surprised that she knew anything about Togruta customs. 

“It was in my pack when I came from to the temple. A gift from my family, I think,” I didn’t have much to tell her. 

“I’m sure they’re very proud of you,” the senator said kindly. I wondered if all this attention was some kind of act. My guard was still up, but I was actually starting to like her.  
I wondered if maybe she could help me understand the thing that had been bothering me.

“Senator?” 

“Please, call me Padme.”

“Padme? Um…do you have anyone back home?” I really didn’t have the courage to say what I wanted, but I was working up to it.

“As in family? Well, my parents and my sister’s family are on Naboo. I see them when I can, but I’m usually too busy to go home much anymore. Work takes up most of my time.”

“I guess the life of a Jedi isn’t that different from yours in some ways,” I shrugged. 

She laughed, “I suppose you’re right.”

“Did you ever think about a family of your own,” I bit into another biscuit.

“Well, sometimes when I see my sister and my nieces, I think maybe I’d like to. Ryoo and Pooja are so sweet. I guess I’ve just never talked about it with anyone.” 

“I like younglings. I used to spend time with them whenever I could at the temple. But I don’t really know much about relationships. We’re taught that attachment leads to jealousy.”

“Well, I suppose it can. But jealousy comes out of being insecure. When you’re with someone you trust, there is no reason to jealous,” she held the cup with both hands.

I felt my cheeks flush slightly when I realized that she was probably talking about Master. “But what if it doesn’t work out? Doesn’t it cause a lot of pain to be close to someone and then lose them? How do you live with it?”

“Any relationship, romantic or otherwise, can end up unhappy. Has someone you care about ever let you down? Have you ever let them down?”  
I nodded again.

“But if you care about someone, and you know they care about you, then you try to make it up to them and try to do better. Having someone you love can inspire you to be the best you can be. But it can also help you to accept faults, both your own and theirs. Someone can have flaws and still be worthy of your respect if you know that they are trying to do better.”

“How do you know that?”

“Again, trust.” 

“I know that some relationships do work out, but what if one had no chance. Why do people risk it?” 

“Sometimes you just don’t know any better. Not all of us can sense someone’s intentions through the Force, it takes time to get to know someone truly. Experience is a good way to find out what isn’t love,” she seemed sad. “Sometimes every instinct you have can tell you that someone is wrong for you, or that you won’t be able to make it work, but you find yourself having to try. Your heart overrules your rational mind. Sometimes a person can make you feel the best you’ve ever felt when you’re with them, even if it is just for a little while. That can make it worth the pain.”

“I think the Jedi have it easier by just not having the complication,” I remarked.

“I don’t think you eliminate the complication, I’m sure Jedi have the same feelings as anyone else does. You’ve never had a crush on anyone? Maybe a fellow youngling back at the temple?”

I was embarrassed to ever admit it but, “Well, yes…” I said reluctantly.

“Well, you probably got over it and then later couldn’t believe you’d ever liked them,” she was smiling widely.

“Yes,” I admitted. 

“Your feelings can change when you get to know people better, or as you grow. Well, what if someday, you find yourself in a similar situation, but your feelings don’t go away. They might be strong enough to make you question what’s important to you. Picture you meet someone who is a thousand times more amazing than your former crush, and no matter what you do, you can’t stop thinking about them. No matter how hard you try to stop and tell yourself that they are not everything you think, you know that they are. And you can’t get over it. Then imagine that you look up and see them looking at you that way…” she stopped herself, lost herself in thought. 

She wanted to tell me. She wanted to tell someone. The pressure of the secret was killing her, I could sense it. I didn’t think she actually would. I was in the Jedi Order. She could assume that I adhered to the code and would not be on her side. Then she surprised me and took a leap of faith.

“Ahsoka, I feel like I can trust you.”

I didn’t know why, but I sat up straighter determined to bear the responsibility. 

“I know what you must think of me,” she looked down, “But we never meant to let it happen,” at least she gave me credit for not being stupid. “You know that I care about Anakin. I know that what we’re doing is dangerous and foolhardy. I know that the Jedi need him, especially now with the war effort. But no one knows what I see. The Jedi and the Chancellor put pressure on him constantly. They practically act as if the fate of the galaxy depended on him. And he says all the time that he feels responsible for so much, for his clones, for you, for Obi-Wan, for all of those he cares about. He takes on every burden because he wants to help everyone, it’s an obsession. He acts like he’s all powerful, but he’s afraid. He’s afraid of disappointing everyone, of not being good enough.” 

I never knew that Master and I had anything in common. 

“I just want to be a help, not a burden. Sometimes I think what the Jedi code requires is so cruel as to be inhuman. Even when Anakin was small, the Jedi had no problem risking his life. It made me very worried for him.”

Most of our trials would be deadly for someone who wasn’t a Force wielder. But I thought that it would be hard for her to understand, so I didn’t correct her.

“When Anakin came from Tatooine, he was just a little boy. He had left his mother, everything he’d ever known. He was so afraid he was shaking, but he kept saying it was because he was cold. The Jedi just left him alone in the ship’s common room. I found him and comforted him. He was so sweet and innocent.” I could absolutely not picture Master Skywalker like she was describing. I almost laughed. 

Padme lowered her eyebrows and shook her head. “You know Anakin foresaw his mother’s death and couldn’t go to her because the Jedi Council forbade it. I saw what this did to him.” 

“You disagree with the Jedi?” I was very surprised to hear someone do so. We were raised to trust the council and our fellow Jedi’s decisions. 

“I respect the Jedi enormously. But respect does not mean I have to agree with everything they do.” 

I never thought about how hard it could be to keep the Jedi Code, the way she described it. I could see how, to those outside the order, discouraging attachments seemed unfair. I didn’t know that Anakin had known his mother. He was older than most of us when he moved to the temple, but I hadn’t considered that he would remember his family. He had never mentioned a mother. 

I thought I knew why Padme loved Master. The hero. The golden boy. The famous one. That was why most people liked Anakin. That was why I looked up to him. But once again, compassion helped me to see things more clearly. Padme didn’t love the hero. She loved the scared boy who was all alone. She loved the man who never stopped trying to do his best and protect those who mattered to him. 

They really loved each other, I realized, it was not simply Anakin flouting the order cavalierly or the senator using him. Suddenly I was sad. I imagined that they must be suffering. They could not be together openly. This sneaking around could not have been easy. They were not free to acknowledge their love publicly, not free to be together when they wanted to. Even if they needed each other, they would not have had rights. I still didn't agree with what they were doing, but I felt ashamed for judging them so harshly. 

I thought about how Master had gone out recently to find Master Plo after his ship was lost, despite the council’s orders to abandon the search. And we’d saved him and some of the clones. I was glad that Anakin had defied orders. I thought it was worth it. I could imagine that losing someone close to him had made Anakin scared to lose anyone else he loved. I had been so focused on getting him to give me attention, I had never tried to be a friend to him or to support him. But once the senator said it, I could see clearly how often he had gone out of his way to protect me. 

“Anakin is committed to his duty as a Jedi, I know that. But I love him as a person. We have a bond that goes back to before he was a Jedi, before he was forbidden to form attachments. So it’s not as if he intentionally disobeyed the rules,” Padme explained. 

“Why are you telling me this,” I asked her. 

“I care about what you think of me, Ahsoka. I have been so nervous about meeting you, you’re such an important person in Anakin’s life. That makes you important in my life too. I wouldn’t have burdened you with the knowledge. I don’t want you to feel guilty. But you figured it out. I hoped that at least I could make you understand. I didn’t want you to think that we were just being reckless without regard for the consequences.” 

“It’s alright, I wanted to know. How did you know I’d figured it out?” I asked.

“I may not be a Jedi, but I can read a person’s face. You were embarrassed at dinner,” she smiled. 

“Nobody else seemed to notice,” I thought of Master Obi-Wan’s complaints about the food.

“That’s men for you,” she laughed. “Would you please do me a favor?”

“Sure.”

“Please look out for Anakin, for me. He tells me that he trusts you with his life.” 

Master said that, I marveled. I felt some of my insecurity disappear. 

“I know I’ll rest easier if I know that you have his back.” 

I thought for a moment, “Is it alright if I don’t tell Master that I know. I think I only want him to tell me if he wants to. I want to earn his trust. And yours.”

“Of course. And thank you, Ahsoka,” she put one hand on mine, “I didn’t realize how much I needed a friend.”

I was a little surprised, but I guessed I needed a friend too.  
\--  
I finished my tea and went back to my quarters. I was tired, so I walked into my dark room and stumbled over some of the laundry strewn around on the floor. I threw myself on my bed and was soon fast asleep. 

I dreamed I was in an unfamiliar building, gray and stark. There were no windows, it was like a cell. Padme and Anakin were with me. 

“The defense is not working. We cannot let them do this! If they find her guilty, we have to help her escape!” Padme was pleading.

Anakin’s tone was slow and low. He sounded angrier than I had ever known him to be. “It is not that simple. Do you know what the Council would do to me if they found out? Do you know what Tarkin would do?”

“Anakin, this is Ahsoka’s life we are talking about. This is unjust! She is innocent!” 

“I know she is! Just pray I find out who is behind this,” He walked up the steps and out of the cell.

Padme put her hand on my shoulder, “Don’t worry, Ahsoka. I know Anakin, he’ll never let anyone harm you.”

I awoke with a start. The dream had been vivid, but Jedi as young as I was didn’t have visions. Not until our Force powers increased. Obi-Wan was right, I thought, the galley droids would definitely have to be reprogrammed.  
\--  
The next day, Padme’s shuttle arrived. I went down to the docking bay with the admiral and the other Jedi to see her off. Anakin and I had our orders and were taking a fleet to Bothuwai right after we said goodbye. 

“I just hope they have better accommodations on the shuttle than here, goodness me, military vessels are just dreadful!” the golden droid came in complaining as if he’d never stopped from the night before. Artoo made some disparaging sounds. “I can’t wait to get back to Coruscant where it is safe and civilized!” he declared as his metal feet clanked up the shuttle ramp.

Padme whispered to me, “You’ll have to excuse Threepio’s snobbishness. He’s had a few memory wipes since Anakin found him in pieces in a garbage bin on Tatooine.”

I stifled a laugh. 

“Well, Senator, it has been an absolute delight having you on board,” Admiral Yularen said. 

“Thank you, Admiral,” Padme bowed slightly. 

Obi-Wan took her hand as he bowed low, “Safe travels back to Coruscant, Senator.” 

“Until we meet again,” Master Plo took her small hand in his taloned one. 

“Goodbye Master Skywalker,” she gazed up at Master. 

“Take good care of Threepio,” he winked. I saw a small folded note in his hand right before he took hers to shake it. I pretended not to notice. 

“Goodbye Ahsoka,” she hugged me, “It was such a pleasure to meet you. Stay safe. Take good care of these two,” she pointed at Master and Obi-Wan as she headed to the ramp, “You know they’ll need it.” 

Admiral Yularen covered his mouth with his hand to hide his grin. The Jedi, the admiral, and I stood together for a moment and watched the shuttle take off. 

Master Anakin turned to me, “Ready, Ahsoka?” 

“Right beside you, Master,” we boarded The Twilight with Artoo for the run over to our flagship. 

We sat in the cockpit and got the hunk of junk ready to go. 

“So, Ahsoka, Padme really likes you,” for once Master actually sounded impressed.


End file.
